As far back as I can remember I've always been poorly, Inheriting the name 'Tiny Tim' From my Dad. Throughout my childhood, adolescence and now adulthood my catchphrase seems to be "I'm sick"
The part of being ill people don't see isn't the pain, nausea or symptoms related to your illness/pain disease etc. It's the shame and constant guilt.
As someone who spends the majority of her life in Doctors waiting rooms it's the guilt that affects me the most, letting people down, cancelling appointments and plans and the general feeling of disappointment. Losing friendships whether it being from their lack of understanding or your own constant need to push others away to 'protect them'.
The relationship you have with the remaining people who do understands consists of you too ashamed to tell them you're sick because maybe, this time is the time they give you judging eyes, assume you're lazy or just stop asking you to do things because all you do is cancel anyway!
Chronic pain and illness' are completely debilitating because not only is your body being an A-hole, Your mind is convincing you that you are one! You tell yourself how useless you are, that you're lazy that you should have been able to push through this pain, "who cares if you're vomiting you should be in college!?". You see those around you pushing by and becoming so successful but your dreams are stopped by your body's inability to keep up.
You can have all the plans in the world, all the motivation but you don't know what the next day is going to hold.. What your pain levels, fatigue or in my case factoring in mood and sleep.
Sadly this post isn't motivational or comes with expert advice about pain management or illness in general because I'm still learning to not punish myself about it. I guess if we all realise those around us do care and want to help and we shouldn't be afraid of sounding like we are moaning when we talk about feeling ill, we deserve to support ourselves and treat ourselves the way we would if a loved one was ill with a flu.
So please stop the guilt, wrap yourself up like a burrito today and remind yourself you're allowed feel like this. It may be unfair that it's a regular occurrence in your life but for today let's allow ourselves to be sick and care for it.
